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[noburden]

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[noburden]

This isn't her hating him. Not at all. It's hurt, by him, and she stares at him in disbelief. He always finds things to say that dig the knife deeper.

"I love you more than anything. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg you to not go to Origin, but how could I put that burden on you? That guilt? And now, I only see my love is a burden still."

[rosarianoath]

"You were never a burden to me because I love you!" he shoots back, struggling to keep the tone of his voice under control. He finds himself taking a half-step towards her, as if proximity could convince her of his sincerity. "Every day I wish we could have all died together, if the world was to be lost no matter what I did!"

[noburden]

The tone as her standing straighter, but the words shatter her heart. Torgal's cries are leagues away as she stares at Clive, the image of him blurring.

How easily the anger washes away under sorrow for him. As much as she wants to take him in her arms and give him comfort, she can't.

"Clive..." What can she say? She doesn't know. She doesn't know what he wants to hear--or that he even knows himself.

[rosarianoath]

Her eyes well with tears and he thinks he can't bear to watch her cry and not be able to do anything about it. She won't want him to because he's the cause of it all. They're his failures. It's his inability to shoulder the burdens.

He shakes his head, almost like a shudder, and he looks away.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you, I'll take my leave."

[noburden]

It's an out she should take, but foolishly, she doesn't.

"You had asked me once where I saw us, once it was all over. Really, I didn't have an answer for you. I just knew that... if you were there, and I was free to love you--maybe as a wife, one day--it would be enough. I had thought that here, we... we could have a taste of that. How am I supposed to be here with you and not want such a thing? How am I meant to watch you..."

She trails off. She saw him at the ball. Saw enough.

[rosarianoath]

He knows. The shame swells up again, threatens to drown him. Everything tells him to walk away. But she wants an answer, so he gives her one.

"In another lifetime, after I vanquished Ultima, you'd be my wife," he says, daring to look at her for the last word only. "But even though this place is the only place left to us... I cannot live happily after dooming us all."

He lets out a long exhale. He doesn't want to cry here, but the weight in his chest persists.

"You must know that I tried."

[noburden]

He may not want to cry here, but Jill is losing the battle with her own tears. She hastily wipes at her eyes before any can fall down her cheeks.

"Of course I do," she says, and that makes it all the more tragic. Her breath hitches.

"I pray you find your happiness, Clive. Truly, I do."

She means the words, but she can't look at him when she says them.

[rosarianoath]

He nods, and he reaches to her suddenly like he might want her hand, and then withdraws again, ashamed to feel any relief at all, ashamed for what he's done to her. He takes a step back.

"And I hope for yours," he says, voice thick, but he swallows it down. "Well. I'll see you when it's time to pick up Torgal."

[noburden]

Jill also takes a step back. When she looks down at Torgal, she feels something tug at her heart.

"Do you--perhaps you take him for tonight," she says. "Bring him to the park tomorrow and I'll start fresh."

With Torgal. And it'll give her some time alone to sort through the swirl of emotions in her chest.

[rosarianoath]

He hesitates, but he nods. He does want his dog, even if only for a night.

"Alright," he says. He does not even care that he is about to have the worst sleep of his life. "You'll get some rest this way, too."

[noburden]

She nods in return. There. They're civil.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow," she says, and then leans down to scratch Torgal's ears, the poor wolf confused as ever. "Tomorrow, boy. Be good."

She would prefer to be alone tonight.

[rosarianoath]

"Thank you," he says, and he takes Torgal's leash with a deep, steadying breath. He gives her one last look, long and lingering. "Tomorrow. Come on, Torgal."

[noburden]

By sunrise of the next day, Jill has barely slept. So much for handing Torgal off to grant her some peace. She spends the night with aching knees and stinging palms, tossing and turning, unable to stop thinking of Clive in the silence of her apartment. She thinks of the pain in his voice. The hurt in his eyes.

In her weakest moments, she almost messages him.

Come back to the apartment.
I miss you. We need one another.
Please, come back to me.

As she heads to their agreed meeting spot with puffy eyes and dark circles under them, she's glad she never hit send.

[rosarianoath]

Sleep doesn't find Clive either, even after a few hours hunting. Sleep also doesn't find Torgal; even the meaty femur of some fucked up looking monster doesn't completely distract him from pacing on and off, and whining at the door while blood seeps into the corner of Clive's mattress, as there is not enough space on the floor. Clive spends three hours slouched where the mattress bends up against the wall, surrounded by the wreckage of his former loft bed. Thinking.

They are unpleasant thoughts.

When he finally arrives at the park, the grooves under his eyes are deeper than usual, and his sweater hangs open to reveal a t-shirt that is most definitely inside out. Torgal is not on a leash. He is thrilled by this.

"Good morning," he says, joining her, shoulder to shoulder, a foot between them, to watch Torgal take off across the park after some bird.

[noburden]

Jill, at least, has all of her clothing on right. She can tell that t-shirt is not the right way on, but doesn't say anything. She's too tired to comment on how he's a mess, because that will open a can of worms she rather not so soon after yesterday.

"Good morning," she echoes, lacking warmth. Torgal does not catch the bird, but he does find a tree to lift his leg up beside and let out a torrent of piss.

And while it's cold, Clive steps a little too close, and Jill takes another step just to have that much more space between them.

"How was he?" She asks, though she can already tell another night back at Clive's hasn't done much to help.

[rosarianoath]

He notes her coolness, her distance, and this time it does not surprise him, no matter how much it needles at him. He just nods.

"Noisy, unsettled, dissatisfied," he lists off, but there's no heat there. Annoying as it is, this is his best friend. "How long has it been? Three weeks?"

[noburden]

"A lifetime," she says quietly, answering a different question. She's lost all track of time since that night he told her he couldn't be with her. The ball hasn't helped matters.

"It'll be my turn again, tonight." Keeping Torgal is no punishment, but she's already exhausted. Tomorrow is going to be horrible.

[rosarianoath]

He's thinking it too. It has been a lifetime. Clive just stares across the field at Torgal, wondering how he could possibly explain this to a wolf.

"How long do you think he'll do this?"

[noburden]

"A few more exchanges, possibly..."

Which would be nearing a month. He wasn't even this troublesome as a pup, though they were often all together when he was that small.

[rosarianoath]

“I’m going to be clumsy with a blade at this rate,” he says, partly just thinking aloud. How did he manage like this when he was younger? He closes his eyes momentarily, as if to sleep right there. He can’t. “What if he doesn’t stop? He’s never been fettered like this before. It’s not in his nature.”

[noburden]

Jill frowns slightly. She nearly tripped over a crack in the sidewalk while on her way over. Clive might have a point, and it bothers her.

As hurt as she is, she'd never wish him harm.

"Then one of us needs to find a home out in the woods," she says for lack of better answer.

[rosarianoath]

Not a terrible idea either, but…

“Wouldn’t bode well for anyone,” he says. “Given what happens to people here if they don’t connect with others.”

[noburden]

She gives him a look.

"I wasn't serious. I can only imagine how much that would cost."

... and Clive is paying the bills. She should do something about that, because for all the time she spends at Dion's, money is still spent.

[rosarianoath]

A look is a look. He’ll take it.

“Whatever needs to be paid, I’ll pay,” he reminds her. “Though perhaps we could consider apartments in one building with a shared park, or a place with a yard for you.”

[noburden]

"Perhaps," Jill says, when really anything that draws them closer sounds like a bad idea. These past two days have already not been wise, as she feels her resolve shuddering under the weight of her love for him. She can't help it.

All she can do is remember the hurt, and how nothing about him has changed since. She's not going to stick her hand into the flames again and be surprised when it burns.

And yet.

"I need something to wake me up," she mumbles, rubbing her face. Her eyelids feel impossibly heavy.