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[noburden]

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[noburden]

"It's not fear," she says, feeling vaguely insulted. She has nothing to fear from him. She only grows tired of enduring, and the wound he's left cannot heal if he's there to open it every time she speaks to him.

Jill finally looks at him, sadness written on her face.

"You and I are strangers. I don't know you."

[rosarianoath]

The look in her eyes is about as arresting as what she says, and he has the knee-jerk reaction of refusing that very thought. A beat later, he’s still there.

“You’re still the girl I grew up with, who held my hand as we ran in the rain, who made my cause her own,” he says. “If the parts of me that are broken make me a stranger to you, then so be it, but I at least remember.”

[noburden]

"Oh, Clive. We've always had broken parts, you and I both."

She doesn't think she's that same girl he knew. If so, how could he discard her so easily? How could he ever think she'd be better off like this? There's too much disconnect for her to make sense of it.

[rosarianoath]

“I know,” he agrees. His chest feels tight, his eyes misty when she looks at him that way. When she says his name. “But not like this, in a way that won’t mend.”

He gives Torgal one more squeeze and then he stands.

“Just take him off the lead. If you’re fined, I’ll pay it.”

He’ll figure out how to afford that later.

[noburden]

Jill swallows down the burning desire to grab him by the shoulders and--she doesn't know what. Shake him? For what good that would do.

"I suppose that's the only option. The outlaw returns," she says, and once she would have laughed at her own joke. Now, it's just grim.

[rosarianoath]

His gaze falls abruptly, and he wishes, not for the first time, that he could go back. Back to before Origin. It's fruitless. Unfixable.

"I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you."

[noburden]

"We'll make it work," she says softly, petting Torgal. "This city wasn't made for him."

[rosarianoath]

It certainly wasn’t.

“Do you like the city?” he asks.

[noburden]

She liked it when she had him to share and explore it with.

"Sometimes. I didn't think I would be spending my days here with Dion, but it is what it is, isn't it?"

She keeps her eyes on Torgal.

[rosarianoath]

It is what it is. He pauses, torn with guilt, and then says: “I think we need to talk. Not here or now, but… when you’re ready.”

[noburden]

The last time they needed to talk he ripped her heart from her chest. There's a clear memory of that in her eyes when she looks to him.

"I can't imagine we have anything left to talk about."

[rosarianoath]

His own heart twists.

“I just wanted to take a step back, not sever ties completely,” he says, cautiously. “I think that leaves plenty, but if that’s how you feel... I’ve earned your disgust.”

[noburden]

"What did you imagine that looking like, Clive? Like the years before, walking on eggshells around our feelings?"

Moments stolen and swept under a carpet because there was so much bigger than them and their relationship. His devotion was always pulled in too many ways for one man.

Jill shakes her head.

"I can't accept that. I don't know how to not... love you, and I hate that you've made me ashamed of it. Made me question if it's too much."

All she's wanted is to be by his side.

[rosarianoath]

“I never once considered our hesitation to make love or say the word a matter of our feelings a mistake,” he replies, a little rumble of disagreement on his voice, but there’s no lack of concern there, either. “I thought we were doing the best we could.”

He’d been grateful for every moment with her. Grateful that he’d been an inch short with his blade, grateful that he could look at her across a campfire. He still is. Had she seen that as inadequate, some extended deprivation? Had he always failed her as a partner?

There’s a growing pit in his stomach, and for a moment he looks at her, on the cusp of saying something else. But the questions continue: Is he worthless to her if he isn’t her lover? Better off dead to her than not with her? Was that why she was fine with him leaving the first time?

Clive finally just says:

“I don’t want to talk about this here.”

Did you despise me after I left for Origin, too?

[noburden]

"Then are we talking about this now, somewhere else?"

She's quietly irritated enough, and Torgal's ears flick downwards in response. Jill doesn't want to go anywhere with Clive. She doesn't want to talk to him. And yet here she is, not walking away when she should.

[rosarianoath]

“You don’t think we have anything to talk about,” he points out. “Should I upset you more by saying yes?”

[noburden]

"And you seem to think we do. Perhaps this time you simply run your blade through me and save me the agony," she spits out, and it's so ugly she momentarily looks unsure, surprised she let the words out.

She's already upset.

[rosarianoath]

His expression is nothing short of horrified, and for a beat he doesn't reply, staring at her. Hurt. All he can say is:

"How could you say that?"

[noburden]

She hates that she feels a sense of gratification at the look on his face, and then she hates how ugly she's being.

But she can't stop. The venom at least lessens in her tone.

"You really don't understand what you've done, do you?"

[rosarianoath]

"No," he says. It doesn't feel less venomous, but maybe that's the sting continuing. "I knew you'd be hurt. I knew you'd be angry. I never took that lightly."

Torgal whines.

Defensively:

"I did not imagine you'd hate me for it, or that living like a common man and his wife mattered more to you than being in each other's lives."

[noburden]

This isn't her hating him. Not at all. It's hurt, by him, and she stares at him in disbelief. He always finds things to say that dig the knife deeper.

"I love you more than anything. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg you to not go to Origin, but how could I put that burden on you? That guilt? And now, I only see my love is a burden still."

[rosarianoath]

"You were never a burden to me because I love you!" he shoots back, struggling to keep the tone of his voice under control. He finds himself taking a half-step towards her, as if proximity could convince her of his sincerity. "Every day I wish we could have all died together, if the world was to be lost no matter what I did!"

[noburden]

The tone as her standing straighter, but the words shatter her heart. Torgal's cries are leagues away as she stares at Clive, the image of him blurring.

How easily the anger washes away under sorrow for him. As much as she wants to take him in her arms and give him comfort, she can't.

"Clive..." What can she say? She doesn't know. She doesn't know what he wants to hear--or that he even knows himself.

[rosarianoath]

Her eyes well with tears and he thinks he can't bear to watch her cry and not be able to do anything about it. She won't want him to because he's the cause of it all. They're his failures. It's his inability to shoulder the burdens.

He shakes his head, almost like a shudder, and he looks away.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you, I'll take my leave."

[noburden]

It's an out she should take, but foolishly, she doesn't.

"You had asked me once where I saw us, once it was all over. Really, I didn't have an answer for you. I just knew that... if you were there, and I was free to love you--maybe as a wife, one day--it would be enough. I had thought that here, we... we could have a taste of that. How am I supposed to be here with you and not want such a thing? How am I meant to watch you..."

She trails off. She saw him at the ball. Saw enough.