[Jill watches the expressions play across his face, the pain in his voice. She doesn't regret asking, for digging a little deeper, because she thinks it better for her to know where he is int regards to this monster. She's only sorry this is a conversation they can have at all.
Her free hand comes to rest over his, over hers, trapping it as she turns her palm to hold it. Her voice is more steady and sure than it's been since she came out of the house.]
Then I pray that some day you get the opportunity to kill him yourself. That you find your peace.
[Maybe he's able to grasp that without killing this Cazador, but from Jill's experience, there's no true peace to be found when you're always looking over your shoulder, knowing he must be somewhere, doing the same as he always did.]
[Something about his expression shifts. The feeling that was so close and immediate and muddled a moment ago seems to hollow. His hand works between hers, curling around her hand. But he's also biting his tongue.
The bitter rejoinder dies in his throat, mercifully. Prayer had gained him nothing, no matter which god he had begged for his freedom. There was no fighting Cazador. There had been no escaping Cazador. No disobeying him.
Thou shalt not drink the blood of thinking creatures.
There hadn't been at least.
Not for the first time, there is a flickering mote of hope in the hollow of his chest, and not for the first time it aches more than when he had had none.
He swallows, pulling both her hands up to kiss the back of the one he had held against his chest.]
[That won't do. Jill pulls her hands from his so that she can cross what little distance remains between them to capture Astarion in a hug, arms around his middle.]
[Jill catches him deeply unaware, still floundering in his own thoughts, so her arms wrap him up without resistance. And even when the hug registers, it is only enough to spur his own to return the gesture, winding tight around her. His cheek lays against the crown of her head and he presses his eyes shut. He swallows the lump in his throat and he just holds her.]
[A moment like this with Astarion on an otherwise unremarkable day is surprising, but not unwelcome.
She remembers the weight around her neck that felt like a noose. It still visits now and then, reminding her of days long past, but it doesn't threaten to suffocate her.]
When I care for someone, it isn't affected by terrible things in the past. Whether they were forced to do things, or tricked... what matters is the person before me.
[It's a long time coming, and it's halting when it does. What he wouldn't give to let this topic die. To retreat into lighter things. But the words seems to come up on their own.]
If Cazador ever... If he arrives... [Or at least, he can't hold them back up until he truly has to force them out.] You cannot trust me, Jill. I can't...
[But no, that isn't strictly true anymore, is it?]
[In the silence, she simply waits. A hand smooths up and down his back. She's had worries about arrivals here herself, after the joy of finally having Joshua here. Imreann. Anabella. And what she would do if they dared speak a word to her or her loved ones.]
What makes you doubt yourself so?
[Jill pulls back just enough to look at his face, worried.]
[Eacapes more quietly, he lets her pull back, but his head rolls so that he can look at the sidewalk instead. Or perhaps through it, so distant is his focus.]
[Jill frowns and lets him avert his gaze. Cazador. She'll have to be aware of him, too.]
Whatever he is, I doubt he can contend with two Dominants. [Even if things may be uncertain between her and Dion, she knows he would help Astarion.] You needn't worry.
[Prior to the shared dreams, he might have scoffed at the idea. Before Dion, in all his draconic glory, had smote the bastard where he stood. Since that night, there has been an insidious question in his mind.
And if Jill's capabilities as a... Dominant were as powerful as Dion's, didn't that only increase the odds?
Wait...]
You -- [His eyes snap up to hers once more, and for a moment there is naked worry in that look.] Do you also have the petrification curse, then?
[He did not know about Dominants, but he knows of the curse. Of course. Jill can't hide the look of surprise in her eyes at the point blank question. She summons up a small smile before replying, hold shifting to his arms where she can give a reassuring squeeze.]
I do. [Shiva and Bahamut exact their price. So does the Phoenix. Ifrit, however... she's always been so glad that Clive has never felt what the rest of them do.] Mine is nothing to worry about.
[Something about his expression sinks when she confirms it, his gaze flicking down toward her arms as she squeezes his. Even though he's seen enough to reason that they aren't so afflicted.]
I suppose yours is not as far advanced... [He replies unsteadily.]
If... If we can find some Basilisk oil. Or... [He glances back the way he came.] I recently received some of Dalyria's research. She was looking into the blood curse. Didn't get anywhere with it, of course. But there might be some insight that will extend to your own ailment.
I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up. As much as I appreciate your concern...
[She would like a cure, but she also doesn't want him getting too invested in something that may prove fruitless. She's seen that disappointment before.
She shakes her head, sure to keep the smile on her lips.]
[The whole of it frightfully familiar. A blind search for a cure no one truly knows exists. Not being sure when you'll run out of time... Even in the face of her smile, his own expression remains cloudy.
As she's holding his arms, he sets his own on her waist. And then clucks his tongue at himself as he pulls her into another hug, arms winding around her, head settling against hers. His tone of voice, however, gains in his usual self-assured dismissal, covering over shaky uncertainty.]
Far from troubled, darling. Just exhausted even thinking about the amount of work you're going to put me through.
[The tight hug surprises her, but it's a sweet surprise, and she leans into him without second thought. She's not one to ever turn down affection after no many years of ungentle touch. She's sure enough of his character now to not second guess his intentions, his heart. She's also sure, given what he's told her, that anything physical can be more complicated than it seems.
It's why the kiss to his cheek is soft, and the one to the corner of his mouth softer, questioning.]
[It's strange enough to him as well, that he feels no discomfort with her slotted so easily into his personal space, that even divorced of far more lecherous contexts, holding her is easy and warm. Strange enough that he is reaching for physical touch to comfort, that he is reaching for comfort at all. But a certain tension bleeds from his shoulders when she leans into him, and Astarion relaxes after a moment.
Certainly enough that her kiss to his cheek is noted and not reacted to. A gentle gesture to be treasured, of course, but not one that demands immediate reply. It's the one that lands more tentatively on the corner of his mouth that prompts him to shift. His head turns, even so close to her, gaze drifting toward hers in search of confirmation, before it dips to her mouth and he leans in to mirror that kiss. His lips soft and entreating on the corner of her mouth for a moment, before he turns his head to plant a proper kiss square on her mouth.]
[Her wordless question gets a wordless answer. It gives Jill more courage, and while that seeps in to the kiss, she doesn't let herself get too carried away. Not now. They are still within view of the house, after all. It's not polite.
She breaks off the kiss with an amused smile. It carries a touch of embarrassment because she's hardly experienced initiating a kiss with people she doesn't make a habit of kissing regularly, but it's fun in its own way. He's fun, and sweet, and she's sure he's fought hard to be who he is now.]
I've been wondering when that would happen. Didn't think I'd be the one to initiate.
[Astarion, on the other hand, is not particularly cognizant of the house anymore. Most of his focus is somewhat absorbed. And while he does not press for more, he does not fail to linger until Jill pulls away. His arms shift around her, loosening so that he can settle his palms against her spine. And his gaze is a little searching, or maybe studying, when it returns to her face.]
In my defense, you're living with your... [He's not sure there's a word for what Clive is to her. And he's certain he doesn't know the full story, so he lets that comment fall off. Lifting one arm from around her, he reaches up to brush her hair a little further out of her eyes, though ultimately it's just an excuse to stray his fingers against it.]
Besides, how ever would I live it down? Kissing an outlaw of all things.
[Jill seems perfectly content to let his hands rest where they wish, studying his face in turn. She's relaxed and at ease despite the slight tinge of pink on her cheeks. It really wasn't that much of a gamble, going in for a kiss, but the success still has her blood buzzing.
It all dims when he alludes to Clive. Right. She may as well be honest. Look at her, learning from past mistakes.]
He left me last year. He lives in the basement and we both live our lives as we see fit. [Sometimes that means sleeping with other people, sometimes that means breaking someone's nose. She tips her head towards Astarion's touch, inviting more, because it's been a lonesome time ever since that awful night.] Things were better between us before he did what he did to Dion.
[Speaking of which... she supposes she should have investigated this before kissing Astarion, but to be fair she truly didnt expect to kiss anyone today.]
Are you and Dion...?
[There's something going on there, but she wonders what, exactly, it is.]
Yes, we -- [It feels so inadequate, so nonspecific, to leave it there. And yet he doesn't truly have the words or experience to continue. He huffs out the next breath, instead, settling a little unsteadily on:] He is my heart.
[Which, in the end, feels too vulnerable anyway. His eyes flick momentarily away from her, shoulders shifting, before they settle back. There's no color to be seen to his expression, but that is more to do with his pallor than anything. Maybe that's why he doesn't call attention to that tinge of pink on her, maybe that's why he simply strokes her hair for a moment. Or maybe he's trying to arrange his words properly.]
And should that be a problem for either of you, we shall have to remain very good friends and nothing more. [His smile twitches apologetic, voice lowering as sincerity bleeds into the deliberate way he specifies,] I don't want to lose you as a friend.
[But of course, he cannot let such honesty linger, so he breezes on.]
Don't get me wrong. You are beautiful. Stunning, truly. But -- [And there is that difficulty again. He rallies nevertheless.] Ravishing as you are, your kind heart is all the more precious to me.
[His fingers brush her cheek instead of her hair this time.]
[Oh. Honesty for honesty, she supposes, but it surprises her all the same. She and Dion don't particularly talk about that aspect of their lives. For her, it so often involves Clive and some days she's not even sure where they stand. It's easier to simply not speak of it at all. No wonder they both get startled by the state of their relationships when they come to light.
She's quiet for a long moment, turning this new information over in her head.]
... I wouldn't wish to make my brother any more unhappy than I already have. [It's her turn to look apologetic, the pink gaining some momentum and touching the tips of her ears.] Your friendship is what matters most to me. I was already worried I'd ruined it.
[That was all far too much vulnerability for one day. Even though his fingers itch to touch that blush, trace the stain of it, he quells the urge rather than drag more of it out into the open. Instead, he plasters on a smile and adopts a more jovial tone.]
Right! So, we'll talk -- I'll talk to him first, and we'll get this all sorted.
[After all, how could Dion be unhappy with it? The too of them got along so well, after all. Why, if Dion wasn't so clearly gay, Astarion might have assumed the two of them had had something going on, in fact.]
[Jill looks this close to laughing. How this day keeps getting stranger and stranger, she doesn't know.]
You do that.
[Definitely not a conversation she'll be having with Dion, especially since she still needs to set things right between them.]
Dion knows me better than anyone else, I think. He's kept me on my feet this past year.
[They've known one another for only short time compared to the lifetimes she's known Clive and Joshua. Yet she cannot always be honest with Clive like she is with Dion, and Joshua's still someone she's getting to know again, now as a grown man.]
That is to say, his happiness is important to me. I support whatever brings him joy.
[Again, how easily she says it. As forced as his smile was at first, it gains something more genuine and she speaks, and nearly laughs. For a moment he loses himself to musing, to just looking at her.]
Strangely, I find myself echoing that sentiment.
[Strange only because he has not -- that he recalls -- put anyone first before. Not significantly. Not out of anything less than abject misery with his own circumstance. He can't truly explain the whole of it, but he doesn't try. It's just... nice. Just like Jill is... nice.
His hands withdraw from her slowly, dipping to take her own in his with a little squeeze. Red eyes seek gray, and he holds her gaze.]
Yet, your happiness is important as well, you know.
[Her happiness is tangled with someone struggling to keep his head above water. Someone with deep hurts she doesn't think she can heal. The Phoenix might, but every move she makes feels like the wrong one even if she dwells on it until she wants to hit her head on a wall.
But Dion also makes her happy, and she's determined to make no more mistakes with him. She meets Astarion's eyes with a soft smile, a little effort required to get it on her lips, but the squeeze to his hands is stronger.]
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Her free hand comes to rest over his, over hers, trapping it as she turns her palm to hold it. Her voice is more steady and sure than it's been since she came out of the house.]
Then I pray that some day you get the opportunity to kill him yourself. That you find your peace.
[Maybe he's able to grasp that without killing this Cazador, but from Jill's experience, there's no true peace to be found when you're always looking over your shoulder, knowing he must be somewhere, doing the same as he always did.]
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The bitter rejoinder dies in his throat, mercifully. Prayer had gained him nothing, no matter which god he had begged for his freedom. There was no fighting Cazador. There had been no escaping Cazador. No disobeying him.
Thou shalt not drink the blood of thinking creatures.
There hadn't been at least.
Not for the first time, there is a flickering mote of hope in the hollow of his chest, and not for the first time it aches more than when he had had none.
He swallows, pulling both her hands up to kiss the back of the one he had held against his chest.]
Thank you. [He breathes, his eyes wet.]
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I care about you, too.
[She doesn't think she said it.]
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She remembers the weight around her neck that felt like a noose. It still visits now and then, reminding her of days long past, but it doesn't threaten to suffocate her.]
When I care for someone, it isn't affected by terrible things in the past. Whether they were forced to do things, or tricked... what matters is the person before me.
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If...
[It's a long time coming, and it's halting when it does. What he wouldn't give to let this topic die. To retreat into lighter things. But the words seems to come up on their own.]
If Cazador ever... If he arrives... [Or at least, he can't hold them back up until he truly has to force them out.] You cannot trust me, Jill. I can't...
[But no, that isn't strictly true anymore, is it?]
I don't know that I can disobey him.
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What makes you doubt yourself so?
[Jill pulls back just enough to look at his face, worried.]
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[Eacapes more quietly, he lets her pull back, but his head rolls so that he can look at the sidewalk instead. Or perhaps through it, so distant is his focus.]
My will is not my own, should he command it.
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Whatever he is, I doubt he can contend with two Dominants. [Even if things may be uncertain between her and Dion, she knows he would help Astarion.] You needn't worry.
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And if Jill's capabilities as a... Dominant were as powerful as Dion's, didn't that only increase the odds?
Wait...]
You -- [His eyes snap up to hers once more, and for a moment there is naked worry in that look.] Do you also have the petrification curse, then?
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I do. [Shiva and Bahamut exact their price. So does the Phoenix. Ifrit, however... she's always been so glad that Clive has never felt what the rest of them do.] Mine is nothing to worry about.
[It's easy to hide, internal as it is.]
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I suppose yours is not as far advanced... [He replies unsteadily.]
If... If we can find some Basilisk oil. Or... [He glances back the way he came.] I recently received some of Dalyria's research. She was looking into the blood curse. Didn't get anywhere with it, of course. But there might be some insight that will extend to your own ailment.
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[She would like a cure, but she also doesn't want him getting too invested in something that may prove fruitless. She's seen that disappointment before.
She shakes her head, sure to keep the smile on her lips.]
Do not trouble yourself overmuch, Astarion.
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As she's holding his arms, he sets his own on her waist. And then clucks his tongue at himself as he pulls her into another hug, arms winding around her, head settling against hers. His tone of voice, however, gains in his usual self-assured dismissal, covering over shaky uncertainty.]
Far from troubled, darling. Just exhausted even thinking about the amount of work you're going to put me through.
[His arms wrap tight again.]
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It's why the kiss to his cheek is soft, and the one to the corner of his mouth softer, questioning.]
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Certainly enough that her kiss to his cheek is noted and not reacted to. A gentle gesture to be treasured, of course, but not one that demands immediate reply. It's the one that lands more tentatively on the corner of his mouth that prompts him to shift. His head turns, even so close to her, gaze drifting toward hers in search of confirmation, before it dips to her mouth and he leans in to mirror that kiss. His lips soft and entreating on the corner of her mouth for a moment, before he turns his head to plant a proper kiss square on her mouth.]
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She breaks off the kiss with an amused smile. It carries a touch of embarrassment because she's hardly experienced initiating a kiss with people she doesn't make a habit of kissing regularly, but it's fun in its own way. He's fun, and sweet, and she's sure he's fought hard to be who he is now.]
I've been wondering when that would happen. Didn't think I'd be the one to initiate.
[She's not so shy that she can't tease.]
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In my defense, you're living with your... [He's not sure there's a word for what Clive is to her. And he's certain he doesn't know the full story, so he lets that comment fall off. Lifting one arm from around her, he reaches up to brush her hair a little further out of her eyes, though ultimately it's just an excuse to stray his fingers against it.]
Besides, how ever would I live it down? Kissing an outlaw of all things.
[He, nevertheless, teases back.]
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It all dims when he alludes to Clive. Right. She may as well be honest. Look at her, learning from past mistakes.]
He left me last year. He lives in the basement and we both live our lives as we see fit. [Sometimes that means sleeping with other people, sometimes that means breaking someone's nose. She tips her head towards Astarion's touch, inviting more, because it's been a lonesome time ever since that awful night.] Things were better between us before he did what he did to Dion.
[Speaking of which... she supposes she should have investigated this before kissing Astarion, but to be fair she truly didnt expect to kiss anyone today.]
Are you and Dion...?
[There's something going on there, but she wonders what, exactly, it is.]
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[Which, in the end, feels too vulnerable anyway. His eyes flick momentarily away from her, shoulders shifting, before they settle back. There's no color to be seen to his expression, but that is more to do with his pallor than anything. Maybe that's why he doesn't call attention to that tinge of pink on her, maybe that's why he simply strokes her hair for a moment. Or maybe he's trying to arrange his words properly.]
And should that be a problem for either of you, we shall have to remain very good friends and nothing more. [His smile twitches apologetic, voice lowering as sincerity bleeds into the deliberate way he specifies,] I don't want to lose you as a friend.
[But of course, he cannot let such honesty linger, so he breezes on.]
Don't get me wrong. You are beautiful. Stunning, truly. But -- [And there is that difficulty again. He rallies nevertheless.] Ravishing as you are, your kind heart is all the more precious to me.
[His fingers brush her cheek instead of her hair this time.]
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She's quiet for a long moment, turning this new information over in her head.]
... I wouldn't wish to make my brother any more unhappy than I already have. [It's her turn to look apologetic, the pink gaining some momentum and touching the tips of her ears.] Your friendship is what matters most to me. I was already worried I'd ruined it.
[There's still time for that, of course.]
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Right! So, we'll talk -- I'll talk to him first, and we'll get this all sorted.
[After all, how could Dion be unhappy with it? The too of them got along so well, after all. Why, if Dion wasn't so clearly gay, Astarion might have assumed the two of them had had something going on, in fact.]
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You do that.
[Definitely not a conversation she'll be having with Dion, especially since she still needs to set things right between them.]
Dion knows me better than anyone else, I think. He's kept me on my feet this past year.
[They've known one another for only short time compared to the lifetimes she's known Clive and Joshua. Yet she cannot always be honest with Clive like she is with Dion, and Joshua's still someone she's getting to know again, now as a grown man.]
That is to say, his happiness is important to me. I support whatever brings him joy.
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Strangely, I find myself echoing that sentiment.
[Strange only because he has not -- that he recalls -- put anyone first before. Not significantly. Not out of anything less than abject misery with his own circumstance. He can't truly explain the whole of it, but he doesn't try. It's just... nice. Just like Jill is... nice.
His hands withdraw from her slowly, dipping to take her own in his with a little squeeze. Red eyes seek gray, and he holds her gaze.]
Yet, your happiness is important as well, you know.
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But Dion also makes her happy, and she's determined to make no more mistakes with him. She meets Astarion's eyes with a soft smile, a little effort required to get it on her lips, but the squeeze to his hands is stronger.]
Thank you. I'm... figuring that part out.
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