inbox

[noburden]

video | audio | text | action

Comments

[rosarianoath]

It's tempting not to hold her hand, but he does. He still wants it. It still feels comforting, despite it all. His grip on her hand is firm.

"I feel you'll love me as long as I never displease you," he admits.

[noburden]

She remembers Dion feeling much the same, once. They really are more alike than they would care to notice.

"I've never stopped loving you. Not for a moment. I know my actions don't reflect that," she can admit. Sending him away. Walking away. Putting up walls. "I'm sorry."

But she knows the words must have actions to fortify them. To rebuild his trust.

[rosarianoath]

"I forgive you." He turns his head to her, looking at her seriously. "From here on, we talk to each other. Even when it is difficult, no one turns away. Yes?"

[noburden]

"Yes. And we will remind one another of it," she promises. They have to be able to keep to this if they want a future of any sort together, she knows. "We don't leave."

[rosarianoath]

“We stay,” he agrees, with a squeeze of her hand. “And while we repair what’s between us, and our pasts… I understand if you have needs that need be met by others.”

[noburden]

Oh. Jill looks at him, caught off guard. They don't talk about such things.

That likely must change. She takes a breath.

"It's only fair I say the same to you. I dislike it, but I understand."

Needs are needs, after all.

[rosarianoath]

She’s always been flightier on the subject, but she’s undoubtedly always been the one with a much higher sex drive. He can’t imagine she wants to go without. Clive swallows his breath and nods.

“I haven’t been anyone else in long months,” he says. “If it’s any consolation.”

[noburden]

It's not. Jill keeps her breathing calm and level despite her heart pounding.

"I don't wish to know about it, but you should find your pleasure where you can."

[rosarianoath]

“Alright,” he says, and it feels like too much, so he just stands. “Let me finish cleaning you up so you can rest.”

[noburden]

She holds his hand tighter, just briefly.

"I'm sorry," she says once more. "For not always knowing what to do. For sometimes making things worse. I feel like I used to know the right moves, before, when we were at the Hideaway."

[rosarianoath]

He hesitates to pull away, instead turning to her, his hand still in hers.

“It’s alright, Jill,” he says, quietly. “This has all been strange, and far beyond anything we ever imagined… I couldn’t expect more grace and patience than you’ve already given.”

[noburden]

"They're easy to give. The... trying, that's the difficult part. But I shall. Every time I consider a life without you, a future without you..."

She can't.

"I need you, Clive. I always have."

[rosarianoath]

He hasn’t wept in front of anyone, through this whole miserable affair, and now the tears prick at his eyes as he looks down at her.

“I know, my love. I know. We need a future together, so we must try.”

[noburden]

It feels as if all she's done is weep. She's always surprised to find there are more tears behind her eyes, but it's only because she can see the tears in his.

It hurts to stand, her skin sore and stiff from sitting. Yet she does, using his hand to pull herself up. She can't be expected to remain where she is when she sees that look on his face.

"My treasure," she says, hugging him. They must find a way to heal together.

[rosarianoath]

He gathers her carefully into his arms, burying his face in her hair as he holds her gingerly to him. His breath comes momentarily sharp and uncomfortable as he holds back a sob.

“We’ll be alright eventually,” he promises her.

[noburden]

He holds her gingerly, but it's not enough. She presses herself against him to compensate. Her arm protests but she doesn't care.

"Will you be alright?" She asks. She didn't ask him how he was after that terrible night when she should have--she checked on Joshua, checked on Dion, but not the man she loves most.

[rosarianoath]

Over her shoulder, his expression crumples. What an impossible question to dodge. He’s sure he can be fixed, he must be, but when?

“Eventually,” he says, finally. “I’ve suffered worse.”

[noburden]

"We can't be the cause of one another's suffering," she says sadly. Not just the two of them, but Dion and Joshua as well.

Jill rubs a hand up and down his back. How she's missed being in his arms. She doesn't want to leave them.

[rosarianoath]

He draws in a hard, gasping breath, turning his head just enough to press a hard kiss to her scalp, and he nods against her.

"We'll fix all of it," he says. "Together."

[noburden]

Broken as they are, he still fights to keep himself together. She closes her eyes.

They have to start with one another before they can fix anything else.

"I'm here now. Forgive me for taking so long to find you, Clive."

A month of skirting around him and leaving the room shortly after he enters. It's cruel.

[rosarianoath]

Clive nods again, his embrace around her tightening marginally. She isn't the first woman to act like his presence is disgusting, but prying himself out of her arms now feels cold. He doesn't want to hurt her worse than he already has.

"I'm sorry for driving you off, and hurting someone you love."

[noburden]

She nods, too. The words help even if she knows he feels justified in what he did. There's no changing that.

Everyone must find a way forward.

"I know you're the same man I've loved for so much of my life," she says. "You deserve better from me."

[rosarianoath]

Clive cannot remember the last time he felt so viscerally uncomfortable, now at the prospect of admitting he does deserve better behaviour from her, but he still can't bring himself to say it aloud. He just wonders aloud, voice quiet:

"Did you ever think I wasn't?"

[noburden]

"No," she replies immediately, truthfully. He's done brutish things, but he's no brute. He wouldn't tend to her so gently or hold her so carefully otherwise.

"But I haven't acted like it."

[rosarianoath]

Relief.

"I love you, Jill," he says. "It made me sick to my heart to think you thought me as much of a monster as I feel I am..."