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[noburden]

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[rosarianoath]

I am too.

[He wonders if Joshua thinks of her death, if it makes him feel small and helpless. Clive feels too numb to think much of it, too caked in violence and death and dismembered corpses. What’s one woman with a slit throat? How should that change if it’s his own mother?

He makes a sound, small and pained and contemplative.]

Do you think in time she might have changed?

[noburden]

[What a question. Jill takes a deep breath, glad to have him wrapped around her, keeping her in the present, grounded by his presence.]

I don't think so, no. She was too far gone. Perhaps if she had reconsidered her path when we were children...

[She sighs, knowing yes or no, Clive will find no peace in the answer.]

There was something deeply wrong with her.

[rosarianoath]

[He’s quiet, disappointed, but he knows it’s true.]

For a great man like my father to marry her, I always thought she must have been better than this at some point. She was nineteen when I was born, barely more than a girl… surely she was not born wrong.

[noburden]

I wish we could speak to your father.

[A thing that may be possible here, but it's just as likely they would encounter his mother. Finding Joshua is all she could ask for, and anything else feels like inviting trouble.]

But for now, there are some things we'll never know. All we know for certain is that you were a good son. So easily you could have grown resentful of Joshua, but you only loved him more. You remained kind.

[rosarianoath]

[Resentful? Such a thing had never occurred to him, and hearing her say it has him stilling, his hand withdrawing from her chest the faintest distance.]

I could never be resentful of him. She could have done anything to me and I still would have endured it every day for him, and my father would have been proud of me. That would have been enough.

[noburden]

[She smiles to herself. He's apalled by the thought, of course. She knew he would be--another testament to his goodness.]

I know. It's one of the things I've most admired about you.

[rosarianoath]

Thank you.

[He breathes in deeply, as if he could draw in her goodness, and feel her love to him sink into his very narrow.]

May I stay with you tonight?

[noburden]

If you'll let me hold you.

[Spooning is nice, but she wants him in her arms.]

[rosarianoath]

[There’s a little crack in his voice as he replies:]

Of course. Of course.

[noburden]

[Her heart. Jill kisses his hand before rolling onto her back, looking at him in the dim room for the first time since he's visited her.

She's glad he came. This is where he should be.]

Come here, my love.

[rosarianoath]

[He nods, head ducked, eyes low —- they’re glassy in the dark. He crawls into her arms, covering her body partially with his, and he presses his face into the crook of her neck.]

[noburden]

[She immediately wraps him in her arms and runs her fingers through his hair. He feels heavier when she knows he's hurting.]

I hope you continue to write me letters. They're precious to me.

[rosarianoath]

[Melting into her feels best when he’s so desperate for affection he could tear his own skin off just to climb into hers. He nods again, a tiny gesture.]

I’ll try.

It’s so hard.

[noburden]

I know. But each letter has made me feel like I know you all the better. I want to understand how you feel. I want you to feel safe sharing those feelings with me.

[And how much easier that all is when he volunteers to speak his heart.]

[rosarianoath]

I know you do. I’ve wished to share everything with you, but I’m afraid.

[Still is.]

[noburden]

What are you afraid of? After all we've been through... I'm still here, Clive.

[She wishes to always be by his side.]

[rosarianoath]

I don’t think you’d leave me. [She’s taken everything so far in stride.] But I don’t know if I can face all of those thoughts, or burden you with them.

[noburden]

A little at a time.

[May writing the letters give him courage. Jill turns her face to press her lips to his head, breathing in the scent of his hair.]

I love you. I still want everything we spoke of in this bed, and I think I always will.

[rosarianoath]

[He could cry. He just breathes.]

I love you too. I want to be a good husband, and the father of your children.

[noburden]

Our children will be loved equally.

[Because of course they would have more than one.]

We'll get there some day. I know we will. But now we must focus on healing our hurts, whatever ways we can.

[rosarianoath]

Like my father did.

[He snuggles in tighter, if such a thing were even possible.]

What can I do for you? For your hurts?

[noburden]

[His father allowed his mother to treat him as she did. Jill inhales deeply as he presses against her, hugging him tightly. How could anyone not want the absolute best for him?]

I don't know. I don't say that to be dismissive... I forget my hurts when we're together like this, open and honest. When we speak freely.

[rosarianoath]

[He tilts his head up, nose pressing into the underside of her jaw.]

Then I shall endeavor to be with you like this as much as I can.

[noburden]

It's only difficult because of how I wish to give you comfort. I don't want us to make love instead of talk, when we've both agreed we need to be better in that regard.

[Holding him will have to be enough. She squeezes him.]

[rosarianoath]

[He tightens his arm around her waist.]

Mm. But you’ll tell me if you need my body before then, will you? I do not want to make it harder on you than bearable.