inbox

[noburden]

video | audio | text | action

Comments

[rosarianoath]

"He's dogged me for the better part of a year with what I should do and when, and all the ways I have been an inadequate saviour for Valisthea –– for his own redemption."

That should be enough, but it isn't all of it.

Clive has to tense his jaw for a moment to find the strength to confess:

"He beat me with steel gauntlets when I left you."

[noburden]

It's clear by the look of surprise in Jill's eyes that this is new information. She remembers sitting on Dion's bed when he returned from seeing Clive. She can't remember if he had his gauntlets. Her memories of that time are blurry at best. The two things she remembers are how discarded she felt, and how Dion kept her from letting the despair take her.

"I wasn't aware," she says. "So you beat him with beer cans."

Tit for tat. Miserable.

[rosarianoath]

"I had it in my head that I'd spent enough time trying to be respectful to a man who beat me, who made my cause a vessel for his own redemption, and who lived high and mighty on the enslaved until the moment he was cast aside," he murmurs. "What was one more drink together?"

[noburden]

Jill lets out a slow sigh.

"I know Dion is far from innocent. We all have blood on our hands," she says, and yet she felt so sick with Dion's on hers. She'd grown protective of him this past year, seeing his pain and understanding much of it. Her empathy is proving to be a problem--she loves them both and understands them both and yet Dion and Clive are doomed to clash. She's not enough to bring them together.

So be it.

"You were both wrong. He should have never put hands on you to begin with."

[rosarianoath]

Clive finds himself looking at her wounds, endlessly frustrated that these conversations feel like a deeper knife twist when they should feel like immediate relief. He exhales slowly. We all have blood on our hands. You were both wrong.

“So are we then all excused from our actions against each other? Wound for wound, blow for blow?”

[noburden]

"It's not my place to excuse you or forgive either of you. I'm upset and disappointed, but what can I do about it?" Neither seem to regret their actions. "I can only strive to keep you apart."

[rosarianoath]

“But where does that leave us?” Talking about Dion, he’s realized, leaves his frustration building. “Even if I never see him again, trust has been broken between us.”

[noburden]

Jill sighs. She feels more defeated than frustrated. She doesn't have the fight in her to be upset. Vaguely, that worries her.

"Broken doesn't mean ruined forever, does it?"

[rosarianoath]

“Of course not,” he says. “But it needs mending.”

[noburden]

"It does. Whatever that looks like... I think we deserve to try again."

When they're good, they're great. And when they're not, it's hell. That must mean something.

[rosarianoath]

“I do too,” he says. There’s a pit of anger in his belly, but he wants her, too. “Perhaps… we take our time with it. Avoid distracting ourselves with lovemaking and put our focus on our hearts.”

[noburden]

Jill holds his gaze for a few heartbeats, then nods.

"We've made that mistake before," she recalls, slow in the way she reaches out to rest a hand over his heart, eyes dropping to his chest. "I love you in ways I can't describe, Clive. I never want you to feel used by me. Not again."

He was cruel to Dion, but she can't be cruel to him.

[rosarianoath]

That she brings it up at all makes him feel the slightest bit heartened, but kneeling before her now, he finds himself unsettled anyway. He gets to his feet just to sit next to her on the bed, instead.

"I appreciate that," he says. "I think it is for the best that I remain in the basement for now. But for the rest... we should continue to talk, and spend time together. Family dinners, not just for Joshua but for us, too."

[noburden]

As much as it hurts to hear, he's right. Some space will stop them from falling into one another too quickly.

"I agree. I miss what we had, even if it was brief."

Sitting at a table together, happy. It was like a dream.

[rosarianoath]

Clive nods. He isn't sure if he misses it; it was so brief, so easily eclipsed by the conflict after, that it feels like it was never real at all. A numbness starts settling on him, as quickly as he'd flipped the light switch earlier.

"We can have it again if we try."

[noburden]

She falls silent. Why does it seem like such a daunting task? The burn from her road rash pales in comparison to the ache she feels in her chest.

Her hand seeks out his.

"You must feel everything I've said to you is untrue." Promises to stand by his side, to always love him. How could he not question it?

[rosarianoath]

It's tempting not to hold her hand, but he does. He still wants it. It still feels comforting, despite it all. His grip on her hand is firm.

"I feel you'll love me as long as I never displease you," he admits.

[noburden]

She remembers Dion feeling much the same, once. They really are more alike than they would care to notice.

"I've never stopped loving you. Not for a moment. I know my actions don't reflect that," she can admit. Sending him away. Walking away. Putting up walls. "I'm sorry."

But she knows the words must have actions to fortify them. To rebuild his trust.

[rosarianoath]

"I forgive you." He turns his head to her, looking at her seriously. "From here on, we talk to each other. Even when it is difficult, no one turns away. Yes?"

[noburden]

"Yes. And we will remind one another of it," she promises. They have to be able to keep to this if they want a future of any sort together, she knows. "We don't leave."

[rosarianoath]

“We stay,” he agrees, with a squeeze of her hand. “And while we repair what’s between us, and our pasts… I understand if you have needs that need be met by others.”

[noburden]

Oh. Jill looks at him, caught off guard. They don't talk about such things.

That likely must change. She takes a breath.

"It's only fair I say the same to you. I dislike it, but I understand."

Needs are needs, after all.

[rosarianoath]

She’s always been flightier on the subject, but she’s undoubtedly always been the one with a much higher sex drive. He can’t imagine she wants to go without. Clive swallows his breath and nods.

“I haven’t been anyone else in long months,” he says. “If it’s any consolation.”

[noburden]

It's not. Jill keeps her breathing calm and level despite her heart pounding.

"I don't wish to know about it, but you should find your pleasure where you can."

[rosarianoath]

“Alright,” he says, and it feels like too much, so he just stands. “Let me finish cleaning you up so you can rest.”